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Peculiar Okafor: On the Finish of the Day, We’re All Victims of Tradition


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The court docket lately handed a verdict on the Busola Dakolo and Pastor Bidoun Fatoyinbo case and I’m stunned one main subject isn’t being mentioned; this statue barred stuff and the way it can hinder justice and potential amendments and alternate options. As anticipated, all that was talked about was victory/defeat for both of each events (let’s be clear, there was no victory or defeat for any social gathering as a result of the case wasn’t heard). But it surely received me pondering on one thing that has been in the back of my thoughts currently.

As I become older, I discover it troublesome to see issues in black and white; issues are extra in gray hues. I’m a bit cautious to stay too tightly to some extent of view (besides sure values that I can not compromise). We are inclined to attempt to put labels on folks and make judgements based mostly on their actions, forgetting that tradition (which, in line with my Jss 2 Social Research trainer, is solely a lifestyle) determines a whole lot of what we do regardless of how a lot we wish to suppose we might be ourselves. Even that ‘be your self’ pondering is the tradition of the millennials.

Just lately, I see how tradition can generally abuse us. Let’s use marriage and relationships as a case research since they’re the bedrock of society.

I grew up in a loving residence and for a very long time couldn’t perceive or respect girls who endured infidelity or any type of abuse. The simplest means for an aunty to lose my respect then was to speak about coping with your husband’s infidelity prefer it was one thing to be pleased with. The cussed teenager I used to be wouldn’t greet you anymore. I couldn’t sympathize with individuals who handled stuff like that as a result of, in my head, they had been low self-esteemed folks. However two incidents have given me a rethink:

One, most of my pals are married. None of them have been married for greater than three years, however most of them have instances of infidelity with their husbands and have needed to look the opposite means. No, their husbands didn’t present indicators earlier than the marriage, they didn’t marry for cash and they don’t in any means have low vanity.

I’ve spent the higher a part of this 12 months praying for my good friend’s marriages, declaring the phrase that their husbands might have eyes just for their wives (guess you may say I’m watching struggle room on their behalf).

I’ve additionally by no means suggested any of my pals to depart their spouses. In truth, I attempt to change the topic of debate instantly they discuss their husband’s infidelity. I do know my pals don’t need to depart their husbands as a result of they’ve, in a means, constructed their lives round who they’re at the moment with. I additionally sense hidden feelings like worry and uncertainty once they discuss. Even after all of the ‘if my husband cheats, I’d depart’, they discover out that they’ll’t simply go. So I simply change the subject to one thing pleased and pray the person modifications or if he doesn’t, doesn’t carry an an infection residence.

Two. Two celebrities lately turned 35, each have allegedly had work finished on their our bodies, each have been with males who publicly humiliated them regardless of warnings from folks. One received a divorce and the opposite stayed. The one who received a divorce was publicly ridiculed: “you’ll quickly flip 40, na your purse go be your kids”. The one who stayed was known as an influence lady, a robust lady like our moms who know find out how to preserve their residence and she or he’s being celebrated. In truth, she was lately featured in an advert by a world fortune 500 firm and the state of affairs a whole lot of us ‘woke’ folks condemned was the theme of the advert and that marketing campaign was extraordinarily profitable. My opinion on that is ‘ gray areas’ nothing is black or white.

Tradition tells us to be assured and have a voice, however you see that your voice eh should communicate the language you’ve been taught.

Tradition tells us we might be ourselves, however after we go outdoors of the unwritten roles set for us, it comes again at us strongly.

Tradition tells us we should always communicate up and attain out to a good friend and after we do, we’re advised to cover our challenges as a result of persons are envying us.

Tradition tells you to be your self – however no, not like that.

Tradition additionally punishes us all…

The woman who retains silent within the face of sexual abuse, the person who marries her and offers with the after-effect of abuse with out realizing the place it comes from, and the youngsters who must take care of each of them are being abused by tradition.

The person who by no means did what he actually wished to do for worry of not making sufficient cash from it and the youngsters who could also be compelled to take up his goals as a result of he desires to relive them vicariously by way of them are being abused.

The girl who marries a man she doesn’t like as a result of she’s virtually thirty (thank God, the age of desirability appears to have been pushed to 35) and so by no means experiences real love, the husband who will spend his days operating after a lady who can’t be bothered with him, and the youngsters from that union are being abused.

The feminine who spends her life listening to she has to decide on to both be ‘spouse materials and homely’, ‘horny and flirty’, ‘centered and unbiased’ as a substitute of being advised that every one these will not be mutually unique and the world who by no means will get to see the totality of her being, are all being abused by tradition.

Ours is just not a tradition of silence, it’s a tradition of hypocrisy. A tradition the place a lady posts up footage of her and her husband at a trip when in actuality, it’s an ‘I’m sorry I cheated once more’ journey.

A tradition the place everybody’s mom and father are the most effective on the planet though abusive parenting may be very prevalent in our society. One through which maintaining appearances is the actual deal.

By tradition, I don’t discuss with Nigeria alone, I discuss with the world. The extra profitable and unbiased a lady turns into, the extra she acknowledges that these within the Victorian period received it proper. There’s much more to marital advantages than wealth. Beyonce dare not be yabbed cos she has a person; CardiB has a person or at the least… nicely, a person sha. The insults on Nicky Minaj has lowered cos she has a person. Busola Dakolo received sympathy cos her husband stood by her; a single woman would have been known as a whore.

The identical for males. As they go up the social-economic ladder, it turns into about having a sure kind lady – both in appears to be like intelligence, charisma, and so forth. A very good mate is an adjunct. The proper end to an exquisite apparel.

I consider each technology should clear up the issues that they face. Earlier than we discuss what our moms and dads didn’t do proper, let’s keep in mind that a whole lot of them insisted on getting an training for each the woman and boy little one, fought polygamy and pushed up the wedding age of their time to between 18-21. It was youthful of their moms’ day. Let’s keep in mind that they had been those who suggested us to empower ourselves, who advised us we might earn a living and we should always uncover ourselves. I agree that after we observe their recommendation and find yourself single at 27, they begin stressing us out, however I suppose that’s our personal problem – to show our youngsters that they don’t have to decide on.

To alter tradition, we want not take a look at it with disdain however relatively with understanding and empathy. I’d by no means look down on my pals with dishonest spouses as I hope they don’t look down on me for being single. Altering tradition is about being reasonable and sincere and it’s higher to not stick unrealistically to some extent of view.

A married lady, when requested about her selection to stay with an untrue husband, as soon as stated

‘I do know dishonest is improper and never all males cheat, however sadly, my husband cheats and I’ve chosen to remain. Dishonest isn’t proper and I don’t begrudge anybody who chooses to finish a wedding on such grounds, however I simply can’t discover the energy to depart’.

That honesty releases her from judging others and proving her level to one among acceptance, that means her kids can know that they’ll make higher life decisions. The choice, which is to misinform herself that every one males cheat, berate the opposite girls who don’t know of her existence and faux that every one single girls are sad, places her in a poisonous, defensive scenario. The identical goes for the lady who chooses to depart an untrue partner. Saying ‘I simply can’t appear to reside with my husband anymore, I don’t know what the long run holds and whereas I’m afraid, I simply need to depart’ additionally frees her.

An single or divorced lady who feels lonely ought to come clean with it and the one who feels extraordinarily pleased being single must also come clean with it and flaunt it though we reside in a world the place folks will swear you’re pretending.

If we take a look at the autumn of man on the Backyard of Eden, three main issues occurred that introduced the tradition of disgrace and hypocrisy:

They allowed somebody query who they had been and God’s love for them. The serpent advised the lady, people could be like God in the event that they ate the fruit though they had been already like God and had entry to all of the knowledge on the planet as a result of they communed with God day by day.They hid from those that might assist them. Adam heard the voice of God and hid. Simply think about if he had stated “Lord, I’m bare oh, I ate the fruit and my spouse and I are bare. Please assist us”.They blamed others and didn’t settle for accountability. The query from God to Adam was simple “have you ever eaten of the fruit which I commanded you to eat?” The reply was a Sure or No however as a substitute, our fore-parents turned it right into a blame sport. What if Adam had merely stated, ‘Sure lord and I’m sorry, please assist us’. Bear in mind the Lamb of God was slain from the inspiration of the world.


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However the final two issues are a product of the primary; they allowed conditions query who they had been and so started to put blame and search validation.

To alter tradition, we have to be genuine and sincere with ourselves, having empathy and compassion for each other. Scream after we should and present a quiet, loving instance the place obligatory. However all these should come from a spot of affection and empathy.

As I stated, I’m nonetheless studying (although my pals insist I’m going by way of a quarter-life disaster) but it surely’s now not black and white for me. It’s an entire lot of gray. Nowadays, I don’t even know if I need to change the world, I simply need to survive Lagos site visitors as a result of the latest site visitors is gaju.


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