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Olaide Ajanaku: As soon as Upon a Man on the Bar


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Being single may be fairly the b***h. We’ve all been there earlier than, and we all know.

Final evening, I placed on a bit of crimson costume, wore extra make-up than I often would, booked a cab,
hopped in, and headed to a lounge in a intellectual space of my metropolis.

I didn’t have some huge cash and, in case you are in Nigeria, you understand that advantageous eating may be very costly. I used to be going to have freshly squeezed pineapple juice at ₦3000, order a plate of rooster wings with fries to go, and the whole lot can be alright. My battery was absolutely charged, and my web subscription was ample. Plus, I simply couldn’t miss an opportunity to indicate off my attractive little costume on social media. One doesn’t get to exit each evening.

I wasn’t certain if I needed to fulfill someone or not, nevertheless it undoubtedly can be good to be seen and acknowledged. To cite  Ayesha Curry: “I don’t need it, nevertheless it’d be good to know that, like, somebody’s trying.”

However did I really need someone to come back disturb my low price range lone date? Effectively, possibly if he regarded like Idris Elba. Something to assist me take care of the extreme FOMO I suffered most weekends.

However man proposes…

I used to be midway down my low cost glass of juice once I immediately seen this hunk of a person strolling towards the bar. He was an ideal splice of Kofi Siriboe and Mawuli Gavor; the precise mixture that makes up the picture of the right man I all the time noticed in my daydreams. I was staring, couldn’t take my eyes off him. I imply, that is Lagos, and there are a bunch of handsome males. However there was one thing totally nice about the best way he smiled on the waitress, who I solely simply seen had actually good hair and nice curves. Her uniform did so effectively to intensify these, too, what with the crop prime and mini latex skirts they had been made to put on. She additionally had a type of faces that didn’t want Snapchat filters. Her identify was in all probability Becky, however no matter. I digress.

He was looking for himself a spot to sit down within the lounge that had shortly change into crowded. My purse was seating on the opposite chair on the table-for-two, and I used to be going to take away it to make house for my fellow visitor. However as if I had been Arya Stark come head to head with the Night time King, I had my gentle bulb second – an epiphany, one the place I might make that house for him, and he would be relieved after Aunty Becky tells him “Oh, sir, I discovered you a seat!” Yen yen yen! As if! He would see my face and assume, “Oh okay, she’s cute or no matter,” and try to make small discuss. He’d decide a subject of curiosity to me and I might be unable to assist however take part. Earlier than I do know it, he’d be asking me why I wasn’t consuming wine or some unique cocktail, and I’d be like, “Oh, don’t thoughts me, simply that consuming alone isn’t any enjoyable.”

He’d give me a horny smirk and say, “Effectively, now you’ve acquired firm.” He’d have Aunty Becky deliver us a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, and pour me a glass in probably the most gentlemanly method doable.

He’d push away my low cost plate of rooster wings, and ask me to strive some pasta served with prawns and rooster in some herb sauce. He’d let me know that it’s okay to order dessert as effectively, because it might be a protracted evening if I allowed it to be. I’d smile sheepishly and inform him, “Oh gosh! I gotta get house.” However, you understand, as soon as the wine takes over… Sufficient mentioned!

He would ask for the invoice and Aunty Becky would hurry down with it whereas casually casting me a imply look as a result of I snatched her man. However she would be capable to geddifok as a result of “this one’s mine!” We’d go from there to a membership the place my costume would actually serve its goal.  He would ask the waiter to deliver three photographs of tequila for me, and so as to impress him, I’d take all three photographs one after the opposite, and keep trying sharp.

After an evening of significant bingeing, I’d begin yawning and he’d ask if he might take me house. I’d inform him: “Effectively, yeah, in the event you promise to be good.” It might be a positively lengthy evening full of all sorts of potentialities. We’d cuddle up and he’d draw me shut and plant a loving kiss on my brow. I’d inform myself, “Oh, I really like this dude. He’s so candy.” I’d think about myself taking his surname. At this level, I’d notice I didn’t but know the surname, however it might be okay since he was not operating away. I might ask him within the morning.

The subsequent morning, he’d get up, decide up his telephone, go inside the lavatory to take a telephone name, and alter his tone to child discuss as a result of he can be chatting with a baby. I’d hear him whisper on the telephone, “Don’t fear, sweetie, your mum is gonna purchase you some ice cream. I’ll do a video name once I’m finished within the rest room. Alright babe? OK!” I’d hurriedly sit up, sober AF, bare AF, questioning the place all of my dignity went in simply eight hours. He’d come to me and with out trying in my face, he’d say, “Err… I’m sorry, I ought to have talked about this to you final evening… I’m kinda married.”

***

I snapped out of my trance and shortly downed my drink. I stored my face straight and made to depart. I booked my cab and waited outdoors for its arrival.

Simply as we drove into the compound, I seen our advantageous boy coming towards me. My driver needed to know if he might decelerate for “the gentleman coming towards us,” and I shot him a glance that mentioned “decelerate and die,” then quietly thanked the gods of my land for saving me from one more “Nigerian Demon.”


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